Chapter 25

i can’t believe i’m here… 25. i don’t know why this birthday feels different, but it does. it feels quieter, more reflective, less about celebrating and more about looking back at everything this past year pulled out of me. if i had to describe 24 in one word, it would be becoming, but not the pretty version of becoming, the kind that stretches you, breaks you open, and forces you to face parts of yourself you didn’t even know were there. this year was heavy in ways i didn’t expect. there were moments i felt confident, grounded, and like i was finally stepping into the version of myself i had prayed for, moments where everything felt aligned and i thought, this is it. but there were also so many moments where i felt completely undone, uncertain, confused, emotionally exhausted, and if i’m being honest, a little lost.

this was the year i walked through a breakup that hurt deeper than i expected, the kind that doesn’t just end a relationship but shifts how you see yourself, your future, and what you thought your life was going to look like. at the same time, i found myself slowly losing the church community i once called home, a place that used to feel safe and familiar suddenly feeling distant, complicated and full of pain. I think that combination of losing both love and community at the same time is what made this season feel so disorienting. it felt like pieces of my life that once felt stable were quietly falling apart, and i didn’t fully know how to process any of it.

There were nights i didn’t have the words to pray, moments where i questioned things i thought i was sure about, and times where i felt like i was doing everything right and still watching things not work out the way i hoped. and that’s what made this year so hard to understand while i was in it, because it didn’t look like growth, it felt like breaking. but looking back now, i can see it differently. i can see that becoming doesn’t happen without pressure, it doesn’t happen without the fire, it doesn’t happen without God gently and intentionally putting His hands on areas of your life and saying, this can’t come with you into what i’m calling you into. and that process isn’t comfortable. there were doors that closed that i really wanted to stay open, prayers that felt like they were met with silence, and delays that made me question if i was doing something wrong.

and i didn’t always handle it well. there were moments i was frustrated, moments i pulled back, moments i didn’t understand what God was doing and wished He would just explain it to me. but He didn’t. instead, He asked me to trust Him, and if i’m honest, that has been one of the hardest things for me this year, trusting God when i don’t understand what He’s doing. but even in that, He was so gentle with me. looking back now, i can see His hand in everything, not just in the good moments, but especially in the hard ones. He was never absent. even when i felt distant, He was still there. even when i didn’t feel Him, He was still working. even when i was questioning, He was still holding me steady.

This year changed the way i understand growth with Jesus, because it’s not always exciting, it’s not always obvious, and it definitely doesn’t always feel good. sometimes growth looks like surrender. sometimes it looks like sitting in the unknown longer than you want to. sometimes it looks like unlearning things you were so sure about so God can rebuild something deeper, stronger, and more real. and i think that’s what He’s been doing in me, rebuilding. stripping away things that weren’t rooted in Him, teaching me how to depend on Him in ways i never had to before, and showing me that His love isn’t just something i experience when life feels good, it’s something that holds me together when it doesn’t.

And more than anything, i can say this with my whole heart, He met me in it all. He met me in my anxiety and reminded me what His peace actually feels like. He met me in my confusion and grounded me in truth when everything felt unclear. He met me in my exhaustion and reminded me that i don’t have to carry everything on my own. there were moments where all i could do was sit with Him in the quiet, and somehow that was enough. this year taught me deeper levels of His grace, grace when i didn’t have it all together, grace when i doubted, grace when i was tired of trying, and grace when i felt like i wasn’t growing fast enough. i’m realizing now that His grace isn’t something i earn, it’s something He keeps giving, even in the middle of my mess.

So as i step into 25, i don’t feel like i have everything figured out. i’m not walking into this year with a perfect plan or a perfectly healed heart, but i am walking in differently. i’m softer, more aware of my need for Him, more grounded in faith, even if it’s quieter than it used to be, and more grateful for the lessons, even the ones that hurt, because those are the ones that changed me the most. chapter 24 stretched me, broke me in some ways, but it also built me into someone stronger, deeper, and more dependent on God than i’ve ever been.

and Jesus, thank You. thank You for staying, for being patient with me, and for not letting me go even in the moments i felt distant. so here i am, 25, still becoming, still learning, still trusting, and somehow, that feels like enough. here’s to chapter 25 !