conflict among the children
There will be conflict, disagreements, and even wounds in the family of God, among the siblings and close friends. Biblically we see that “faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy” (Proverbs 27:5).
I have been recently pondering how my close friends and spiritual siblings seem to be the relationships with the most tension, conflict, and disagreements. For so long I have been deceived that because conflict doesn’t feel good it isn’t good. While there is another perspective that if there isn’t conflict there isn’t depth in our relationship and it truly isn’t edifying me.
Now that we have established that conflict isn’t always a bad thing, we can understand that if there aren’t disagreements the relationship is likely very surface-level. While the conflict in the manner of iron sharpening iron is not only healthy but needed (Proverbs 27: 17). Don’t despise the friction that is refining to make yourself better, there is a mutual benefit even if the process itself isn’t enjoyable.
Conflict isn’t bad it’s a staircase to a new level of depth, intimacy, and connection within the relationship. For this to work you must be willing to come into it without being right. Let go of your right to be right and focus on connecting, loving, and serving the other person.
Action steps for Conflict:
1.Take it to the Lord (First and Foremost)
Take the time to process with the Lord, your feelings, your hurt, your woundings before trying to resolve it… sitting with the Lord isn’t necessarily going to change the other person but it will change you and how you react to the situation.
2. If still unresolved… take it to your brother/sister
Be quick to let them know that something hurt you, instead of putting up walls and pushing them away. Allow them to express their perspective and intentions. The more you bite your tongue the more distant you are subconsciously placing between you and the other person.
3. Know what is permissible and what is beneficial when it comes to conflict
Now that we have acknowledged that not all conflict is bad, we must understand what within conflict is permissible and what is beneficial Ephesians 4 breaks this down well.
It is beneficial to speak “ the truth in love” (4:25) We see that this builds up the body so it is beneficial to speak the truth in love, the truth benign the word of God which we know is sharper than a two ends sword, judging the thoughts and attitudes of the heart (Hebrew 4:12). Which isn’t the most enjoyable process, it usually results in wounding to remove strongholds or falsehoods.
Your feelings are permissible but not always beneficial “In your anger do not sin” (4:26) You are allowed to be angry, and hurt but it is not permissible to sin. To sin is to hold a long account of wrongs from others.
It is beneficial to own your wrongdoings, in a relationship you will not only be wronged but you will wrong others as well. Be honest about your mistake. Own your part, and leave it to others to own theirs. (Provebers 28:13). Love leaves no record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) choose to love well and believe the best in others not holding grudges, wrongs, or hurt.
It is beneficial to forgive “and get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (4: 31-32)
It is beneficial to understand it is permissible to be right. Being right doesn’t lead to any long-term benefit it may only lead to short-term gratification, while learning to understand the other person will lead to deeper intimacy and the benefits of understanding the other person’s heart, story, and life more.
You can’t think yourself out of being hurt, so take your hurt to the lord and others. It isn’t wrong to be hurt but it is wrong to withhold your heart from them when you said you were going to be committed to them. Your commitment to others is tested in conflict because in the conflict you must make a choice. In most God-centered relationships on the other side vulnerability, bravery, and conflict will result in deeper intimacy. Who doesn’t want to walk in deeper intimacy among friendships and relationships?
Any healthy relationship that is worthwhile will require conflict but how you respond to the conflict is a choice that can lead to a deeper connection if stewarded correctly.
